


won't stop breathing

by akamine_chan



Category: Bandom, Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (Album), My Chemical Romance
Genre: Gen, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-25 09:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2617430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akamine_chan/pseuds/akamine_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poison has regrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	won't stop breathing

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [TransKobra2k14](http://transkobra2k14.tumblr.com/) mini-fest on Tumblr.
> 
> Betas by the awesome Luce and Ande, title from My Chemical Romance's _Kids from Yesterday_.

Kobra looks at himself in the cracked mirror, tracing the line of his jaw, feeling the rasp of stubble under his fingers. The face he sees in the mirror isn't his, was never his. That face is softer and rounder, the angles blunted, clearly feminine, a young girl. 

He blinks and his true face swims into view. It's thinner, the skin rougher. He tugs his shirt down and all he sees are the flat planes of muscle; the t-surgery he'd gotten his first year in the Zones had made sure of that. He's nothing but a deep voice, wide shoulders, flat chest, and big bony hands; there's no way he'd be mistaken for a woman.

He remembers being selected for a series of tests back at the crèche, being terrified and Poison hugging him tight, reassuring Kobra that it was going to be all right, that the nice people were just going to ask him a bunch of questions. 

Even at seven, Kobra had known there was something wrong with him.

"Not wrong. Just different." Poison had held him close and pressed a kiss to his temple. "It's okay," he'd said, and Kobra believed him. He always did.

The testing hadn't been scary at all, just a bunch of questions about which things he liked better, and what kind of things he liked to do, and what were his favorite toys. They told him to draw pictures of himself, gave him some nice colored pencils to use, and asked him to make up stories about some blobby pictures. 

Afterward, a nice lady gave him a lollipop and asked him some more questions about why he liked being a little boy, and how long he'd felt that way. She'd had a pretty smile.

It wasn't long after that he'd started on the HRT, a cocktail of hormones, metabolic adjusters and anti-depression drugs. The crèche mother said that they would make him feel better, and they did. Kobra could feel his body changing in ways that felt _right_. 

"BL/ind wants you to be happy, because happy workers make the best workers. The pills will help you to be a boy," the crèche mother had said and Kobra couldn't help but grin. He liked the idea of being a boy. "When you turn 16, if you want, you'll be able to have surgery to make the rest of you a boy." Kobra wanted that, so much he could almost taste it.

"Hey."

Kobra startles out of his reverie, looking at Poison's reflection in the mirror. "Hey."

Poison sets a bottle of pills on the edge of the sink, stark white BLI/ind label, HRT (MALE) written in bold black letters. "Thanks." Kobra opens the bottle and dry swallows a pastel pill. Poison's still watching him in the mirror, face uncharacteristically serious. "What?"

Poison shakes his head, red hair obscuring one eye. "Nothing." 

Kobra waits; he knows Poison has something to say.

Poison's shoulders droop, and he sighs, like he knows that Kobra is going to wait him out. Poison is stubborn, but he has _nothing_ on Kobra.

"Just." He won't meet Kobra's eyes in the mirror, so Kobra turns around to look at him. 

"Just what?" Kobra prods. But he's pretty sure he knows what Poison is not saying. 

"Just, I wish we could have waited another year. Wish I hadn't been so fucked up that we'd _had_ to leave." He rubbed at his face, leaving behind a streak of dirt on his cheek. 

"Don't be a fucking idiot," Kobra scoffs. "You wouldn't have lasted another year. The Dracs would have come and taken you away 'for correction and re-education' and I would never have seen you again." Kobra sometimes has dreams about that, nightmares really.

"But—"

"No." 

"I just hate—" He makes a flappy gesture with his hand that Kobra suspects is supposed to represent regret, and all the unspoken things between them. "Fuck, if we'd waited, just a little longer, you woulda had your surgery—"

"Fuck that, Poison. It wasn't worth the risk of staying. And I get by, with these." He shakes the bottle of pills, and Poison grimaces. Neither of them mentions how much it costs in c's, in trade and intel, for those damn pills. 

Kobra reaches out, fast, and grabs the back of Poison's neck and pulls him close. He touches his forehead to his brother's. "If we hadn't left, we never would have met Dr. D and Pony, Ghoul and Jet. And all the crazy people out here, telling BL/ind where to stick it. We'd be BL/ind zombies, so brainwashed we wouldn't even know to wish for death."

Poison takes a deep, shuddery breath. He knows how much it costs Kobra, to wake up every day in the wrong body, with the wrong parts. Poison's always known, and that's one of the things that makes it bearable for Kobra. 

"Yeah, okay," Poison says, wrapping Kobra up in a hug. "Okay," he breathes. "Love you, little brother."

Kobra lets the words sink in and the tension in his bones eases, for a little while.

-fin-


End file.
